Keeping My Hand in the Fire

I was sitting alone in my room. My phone was plugged into a wall that was not accessible to me at the time, and my computer was starting up (a laborious task most mornings). I found myself reading the back of a deodorant container that sat on my desk.

Why?

I poured over these names to impossible chemicals that I didn't honestly care about, yet was compelled to fill my time with. I protected my fragile ego with explanations labeled as "curiosity" and avoided words like "distraction". I just wanted that time in between me hitting the power button on my computer, and the time when I could start browsing the internet and all things stimulating to go as fast as possible or better yet - disappear.

Why?

I then thought about the time I spent in the gray spaces of my day. The times that weren’t super stimulating and engaging. The half an hour I had before a lunch engagement, the space between meetings, walking, all of these times that I would plug in and disconnect. I’d look at this screen, or that screen, or whatever I would have to do to make the time go by quicker.

Why?

I wanted to just be at destination from destination, and hated the transit stage. Miley Cyrus allusions aside, but maybe it is just about The Climb. I don’t even mean the journey vs. the goal tired old message. All living things have an instinctual self-preservation; it’s what makes us pull our hand away from a flame without thought. I think that without thought bit is particularly interesting, because what if that reflexive reaction is also present within our thoughts?

Perhaps I’m rushing through those blank or gray spaces, because I’m afraid of my thoughts? Or maybe I am attempting to preserve myself from something that I already know? Or something I feel? I mean, I’m not the most emotional or feeling guy, but I do have them -- even if they’re under several layers of scrutiny and critical thought -- and I do value them. I don’t like feeling sad or lonely, I know that from my gut, but are they inherently bad?

In a bad break up our friends and family often try to mend and heal those feelings. They want you to move on as quickly as possible, and the victor of said break up is often seen as the person that does so first. Why? We empathetically hate to see people we care about hurt, but that’s an immediate and short-sighted understanding of emotions. All of them: loneliness, happiness, sadness, etc. are temporary and recurring. So maybe that same self-preservation instinct applies here; we distract and timewarp in order to avoid feeling these uncomfortable “bad” feelings.

Those feelings are human, and are not bad or good. They’re part of being a human.

This also means that it’s human to not want to feel them, and therefore I cannot blame myself for running from them or covering them up. I am guilty of being unconscious though. I excused myself for not feeling or thinking by arguing boredom or apathy. I was allowing my self-preservation to dictate my thoughts and feelings, and it was without thought, like pulling my hand from a flame. So I try to keep my hand in the flame for a little longer, and see what it feels like.

I do have to defend myself, because if you allow those feelings bog you down, it allows the incessant flow of doubt to erode you. And frankly, who wants to share a coffee or a tequila shot with someone in a deep existential hole?

So maybe I protect myself to maintain my optimism. I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and see hope and doubt swirled into one complete human, with balance and confidence. I need to be able to maintain optimism when thinking about the future friends, family, career that will be my life, but also about the beautiful, smiling, girl sitting across from me in my favorite coffee shop

I sit in that worn, gray chair, and realize that I’ve been staring at my reflection in the blank monitor screen. I attempt to ask myself the questions that only I can ask myself. I allow myself to feel truly, tragically, and hopelessly alone, and smile.