My Year of Not Pursuing Women

The year ticked down with each drunken second, and I found myself looking at the girl I had been talking to most of the last hour, thinking about her as a possible kiss as the ball dropped. The countdown started, the girl looked at me, and I left the bar as it erupted into cheers and jolly good fellows, slipping out while the champagne and distraction flowed.

I didn’t kiss the girl, got a slice of pizza, and settled on my first New Year’s Resolution; I would not actively pursue any women in 2015.

The motive wasn’t just that isolated incident on that warm night; it was cumulative of my entire romantic life. Since I was 17 (I was a late-bloomer) a backdrop thought, like a persistent fan’s whine, was girls. Not so much a particular one, but rather a collective, an idea. I had never previously had any trouble conversing or befriending girls, but under that premise I was less than comfortable. And in 2015, I was tired of it.

I’ve always struggled with vulnerability, and I think that dating has just been a lens deeper into that insecurity. As a guy, you’re usually charged with the task of pursuit. You have to be the one that steps up and looks that girl in her beautiful eyes, and comes forth with something real enough to make her want to give you a chance, but not too real as to scare her away. Strategies vary of course, due to personality, but for me it’s generally embodied as a “Hey, let’s go on a walk,”

Apparently this is who I am according to some book (whatever book you don't know me)

Even that is a showing of vulnerability. You are the one that has the desire to connect, and you put that agency in the hands of someone else. They have a small bit of your ability to be happy, and you know what happens more often than not? Nothing. The girl says “Uh, better not,” and I’ll sit there, thinking over the words I said, how our personalities differ and mesh, and hoping that she doesn’t make me sound too desperate or lonely in her depiction to her friends. Or worse even, with awwws, and other horribly emasculating exhalations.

The thing is, that even after rejection on rejection that guy has to keep his self-confidence and ego intact, because after that long walk for a short no; he still has to have the courage to ask that cute girl he met in a used bookstore out. So I’ll psych myself up at my table, maybe wait for her to stand in line for a refill of coffee or tea. Try my hardest to say something clever, and strike up a conversation. Surprise, she’s open to it; something in her crazy life has left a window open. Maybe we go on many walks, maybe we talk about good things, real things. Maybe we start a relationship.

This relationship is unlike any other I’ve experienced. She wants to get to know my emotional side, provides support that I had not sought or known about before. To this point the friendships in my life have been based around doing things, mostly with other guys. I have guy friends I play sports with, ones I talk politics with, ones I listen to good music with, ones I listen to bad music with, etc. They’re neatly compartmentalized, and it's fine.

She breaks those barriers, and despite my best efforts starts to infiltrate the other sections. She’s my best friend.

And she leaves.

So now, I’m a guy that has a hole in a place that I hadn’t previously known existed. My best friends try to perk me up by covering this sadness with straight-faced serious suggestions of beer and hook ups. The idea of approaching girls is still uncomfortable, but it still has to happen. Men exist with the knowledge that if we do not continue to pursue women then we might end up alone, eating a meal by ourselves in our studio apartment totally thinking about fantasy football and NCAA brackets, and totally not thinking about loneliness. But the idea of pursuing a girl is now tinted with even more fear. You might still be able to get the courage to approach that girl you saw at the gym, but now getting her to say “yes” is laced with more terror. What if she says yes, you date, she leaves?

But your first sentence still has to be self-confident; you remember reading on some stupid facebook thoughtcatalog article that self-confidence is the most attractive quality in a guy. What you want to do is show her your wounds as soon as possible, tell her that you’re hurt and that you’re trying the best you can, but that’ll scare her away.

I see this not in the meek men that subtly move into a girl’s life, but in the brash, overly machismo, types. They saunter up, say their shit line, and despite reaction go back and do it again. To their guys they dehumanize women, calling them names (warning, this link has swear words!), always shifting the reason away from who they are, and onto something else. Because it can’t be them, if it was them then they would have to take a good, hard, look at themselves -- a task not easy for anyone, and see that who they are is not enough. I think they’re just trying to still have that confidence to have that chance, so they don’t end up alone. I’m not saying it’s right or justified, because it’s not, but it’s not from nowhere.

2016 New Year's

The same for the creepy guy. This poor schmuck has never been anyone’s first pick; not at dodgeball or at school dances. But he had a realization, he saw the looming dark cloud of perpetual loneliness, and sought to do something about it. He checked out books, watched videos online titled shitty things like “How to approach women.” His friends and family offer him idealistic and bullshit advice along the lines of “Just be yourself,” but he has been himself, for 26 years, and that just got him a poor sense of fashion and the Library of Alexandria of video games.

So he goes to a bar, puts on that shirt that some girl in his gen ed English class said “looks nice” one time, orders some sort of dark beer, and tries to talk to a girl. It doesn’t go well, of course not, it’s his first attempt, he reasons. He tries his best not to imagine a future with each girl that walks through the door. He forces himself to not think about the group of giggling girls that sometimes glance at him. He goes home, and says maybe next weekend. Once again, maybe he missed the boat on social interaction training, and it’s no one's job to give him a chance, so I’m not pushing for that. Just empathy. It doesn't come from nowhere.

Good people's new year.

I think that’s the biggest takeaway from my year of not pursuing women; it’s empathy. Quiet problems that guys have to deal with that I never had to. Flirting came naturally to me, and while I definitely blew some chances with some really, truly, amazing women; I still looked at myself in the mirror the next morning. I have the ability to introspect and write stupid, self-indulgent reflection pieces like this, but I know that not everyone does. I took a brief philosophical vacation into a place where some people simply exist. So I once was told that you should leave these wandering, pedantic rants with a something to chew or act on.

So in the year of 2015 I’ve learned a few things:

• I do better with women when I’m not trying to do better with women.
• I’m jaded and cynical when it comes to romance, usually looking for reasons why things won’t work, rather than will work.
• I like self-confidence in girls.
• I felt more enamored with the ideas of “everything happens for a reason” and “fate”, because the power of my romantic happiness was no longer in my hands.
• Girls should ask guys out more.
• Everyone is a little lonely, a little sad, and that’s amazing.

I'm a Flirt.

I'm a flirt. It's something I haven't always been, but definitely something I've grown into. It started off almost as a defensive mechanism. I was unconsciously afraid of talking about things I actually cared about, so I would play games and use words to have fun, to lighten things up, and to keep myself protected behind a wall of flirt.

I soon realized something, the random strangers I was approaching were starting connections with me, and I also found that I established amazing dialogues with people that were able to play the game with me. I use humor to connect with people; to flirt. So immediately people are ready to judge - and here's the thing - I don't think they should be judged for doing so. We all make these spot judgments, and I can only hope they're not condemning. So when I'm seen, I'm sure a rush of confused perceptions come into peoples' minds - especially when I open my mouth - and I immediately want to dispel as many as possible.

(Someone once told me that you should have pictures to break up your text)

Humor - making intelligent things stupid - talking in a very serious manner about how I think that Joe Biden should be the next Democratic Presidential Candidate over Hillary at a Young Democrats party; how the biggest environmental problem today is the show Pawn Stars; how I think very passionately that everyone should dance regardless of rhythm or skill; or how it's okay to talk about my race. But all of these things have basis in me, and my worldview, and what I care about. It's not entirely fluff, but it's not so heavy that it'll drag whatever poor soul is with me into a deep intellectual hole.

I think that flirting is - in some way - effective communication. It's breaking down barriers, and establishing a sense of comfort and trust, but doing it in an easy and quiet way. That's part of the big secret of effective communication. I'm not saying that we should all just dissolve our senses of privacy and reservation, but rather make it funny and comfortable, because everyone has a sense of privacy and reservation. I regularly joke that I have the emotional capacity of a rock, and the romantic perception of a slightly smaller rock. It's joking, but it's saying "Hey, I don't talk about that stuff too much, but if you wanna, I'll try to."

I'll try to, and I think that's another big secret. It's caring. Caring is kinda dumb and hard to fake, but genuinely being interested in what that person is talking about is key to communication. The best feeling for me, is getting someone to talk about something that they're passionate about. You can talk about jobs, or majors, or the Heat, or whatever, and see the life flow out of their sad sad eyes, but then you bring up something like the new high-speed disc golf drivers from Innova Discs, and the spark returns (I love disc golf). So tricking people into throwing away the small talk, and the courtesy, and all that incessant bullshit that has been socially conditioned into us should be our operative motive in communication in order to get to something constructive.

(Circleville Disc Golf...ask me to play, and I'll show you the ropes)

There's going to be some sort of tension between a male and female interacting (or whatever your matched pair, or triple, or whatever may be), and while it not be wanted, it's there. So flirting is just making it okay to talk about that, or at least somehow sort of acknowledge it. And hell, acknowledge that the person isn't just a dress and some shoes, but rather a thinking, feeling, person. Breaking down barriers and all that high, lofty, stuff. And maybe it'll turn romantic, likely it won't, but maybe it will.

Sure, I might never see that person again, and that's fine. And many people would ask "Why invest that time and effort if that's it, if it's just an isolated incident?" To that, I ask, why not? We have the capacity and ability to learn something from anyone, everyone, that we come in contact with. So we can stay in our comfortable little bubbles, or we can reach out and see if there's something cool or fun to hold onto for that hour that you're together. And hey, maybe that person is your best friend or love of your life? If not, then it was a fun conversation, and that's better than staring into the bottom of your glass.

So we dance with our words and our thoughts, play this game that is fun and easy, but also so revealing and meaningful. If they walk away, they walk away, and I know that they're not playing the same game as me. I'm happy though, happy that I reached out and tried to connect. They might have read my intentions as something unsavory, and I can't blame them; that's mostly what people flirt for. I just want to connect and learn. It's odd, it started as an exercise to keep myself distant from those people I would talk to, but now it's an excuse to affect and be affected.

That being said, maybe this is why I have the romantic perception of a small rock; I never assume romance, because I'm a flirt. And it of course has implications in relationships, but that's a different chaotic blog post. Also, I know that socializing doesn't come as easy to other people, but maybe that's the point too.

Whoever you are, wherever I know you from, talk to me about this, I am genuinely, truly, actually, interested in what you have to say.

(Yeah, I just thought this looked cool while walking around campus at 3 a.m.)